Posts from — July 2008

So I was talking with Andrea today. Had a great session. A highlight was talking about how much easier it was to deal with my sick cat this year than it was last year when the other one got sick. What was great about it was that I’m actually at the point where I can feel little emotions without going stoic or dissociating or be unable to act for fear of being overcome by emotions.

We’ve been playing with different ways I can imagine physically connecting with Andrea when I feel emotions, good ones or bad ones. Today out of the blue I imagined running toward Andrea as if I were a child and grabbing her legs and bringing her toward me. Then I could picture her picking me up and holding me or taking me some place where we could sit down together. Then I could imagine her reassuring me with her words and that feeling really good inside.

This was all wonderful. This image and feeling of her support will stay with me, probably forever.

But I also got really angry which is starting to happen, thank goodness. I got really angry that I am a grown woman, intelligent, sharp, capable, creative, interesting and here I am spending my Friday afternoon celebrating that I can take my cat to the vet with ease. I mean what the heck. My life has been reduced to such small moments and HAVING to pay attention to the small details of my emotional life so that I can eventually live in freedom and not lose my mind. Why? Because I was not allowed an emotional life of my own. Because try as I might to make it in the world, all my efforts were not enough. I lacked a basic sense of safety that I could not overcome on my own and remain sane.

Besides actually feeling angry there’s also something new here. I am not and did not turn this anger inward on myself, using the situation to affirm the old messages of how bad I was. I was angry at external forces. It feels good.