Posts from — September 2008

I had a session with Andrea today and we were talking about how I was today after my parents having been in town. Soon we got to the point where I kind of said, well I’m not sure what I need out of today’s session.

I can’t help but laugh after that sentence because there have been so many sessions where I have felt like I would not have enough time to cover everything and even simplified my life so that there would be fewer topics to interfere with the real work we were focusing on. So it’s kind of shocking to feel like I don’t actually need her.

So she suggested that we consider together how I don’t have to need her and yet she can still be there for me. She used the analogy of the adolescent and how there is a huge difference in the experience of an adolescent when they are at home with their door closed and their parents are there and when their parents are not there. The adolescent still needs their parents there with them in the house, but they need to be able to have the door shut so that they can do the work of being and thinking for themselves.

Of course the adolescent needs this both literally and metaphorically. In my experience my parents were there all the time in the literal home and only now are they beginning to be less important in my head. There were also times when I did revolt and refused to work in the family business. She reminded me of that and pointed out how I used those times to think about what I wanted for myself. As I type this, I feel really reminded of how that felt. It was like most of my head was still enmeshed with them but that I had the front part of my brain free to dream for myself.

So we talked about how I could remember that this is how it can be between she and I. That I don’t have to need her but she is always just right there if I do.

There’s a bunch loaded in these few words for me. The part about not having to need her is like an antidote to what I grew up with in my family where the focus was on my mom and her needs of me. Over the last many years of my relationship with Andrea I have been able to be the one who is needy. So it is not much of a surprise that I also said to Andrea today that it does feel weird to begin thinking in these ways of not needing to have her. It’s kind of scary to make this change. She was quick to point out that that’s why she is there waiting for the time when I need her. That is very soothing and almost unbelievable that I don’t have to feel scared at all. I know it is true that she will be there when I need her. She’ll be there in a heartbeat.

This is one of those posts that disappeared half way through so let me see if I can regain my enthusiasm after this loss. I was saying something really important about not caring so much about my parents and what this means for my differentiation.

Oh, and Andrea really latched onto this, saying that this is so useful to me because I am getting them out of my head more.

I always feel a little self-conscious when thinking about this because I want myself and others to know that it wasn’t like I was going around before worrying about what my parents were thinking. No, it was way more unconscious than that! It is kind of embarrassing to be in your mid-thirties and to be writing a blog that centers around your relationship with your parents. Even now I can’t help but have my demons say – just get over it – but I also know that that’s part of the problem. I can’t just get over it by pushing things aside. I have had to get down and dirty with how I’ve felt about my relationship so I could move to another place.

Okay, well enough of the defensive diversion!! It was really amazing for me when Andrea latched onto the idea that I didn’t care about my parents so much because it helped to hear what I was saying in a new way. I was saying that what they think about me doesn’t matter as much. I was saying that considering their needs first simply wasn’t necessary. They can take care of themselves. We can be different people. I don’t have to act on every sense I have of what their needs are. Gosh, this is so hard for me, but I did it this weekend.

Andrea then kept talking about differentiation and how it is so normal and wonderful for adolescents to not be having their world centered on their parents. How it is natural for them to put themselves and their needs first because that’s the only way that they can begin to be separate individuals who can thrive in the world.

This is still sinking in. It is still so radical of an idea. I am supposed to put my needs and feelings first.

I started walking with my neighbor again this morning. At one point during the winter and into spring a bit we walked about 5 times a week around our neighborhood which came to about 15 miles a week. It was really incredible. Then I got to a point where I just felt rotten. I was grieving so much that even just walking around our yard was too much and too hard to do. I would have good bursts of energy and so I would work in the yard on those good days, but then I lost energy completely for either walking or gardening.

Three weeks ago I started to feel more like myself again and so I decided I would walk again once my neighbor got back from her trip. So we began walking again today.

As I was walking on the last stretch by myself back up the hill to my house, I remembered how I felt when I had stopped walking with my neighbor. I was really clear that I felt bad, and I didn’t want to feel better by walking.

There are so many important things tied up in that statement.

First, months ago saying this was really significant. I was saying that feeling bad was useful to me and not something that I wanted to try to push away, not something that I wanted to get out of feeling as had been true for so long. I was afraid that I would feel better after walking and that I would miss important emotions that I had been unable to get my arms around for years. I had enough good experience of being real with myself that I wanted more of it, even if it meant temporarily feeling bad.

Second, I realize that where I am now is different. I no longer need to feel bad in the way I did then. In fact it is a little shocking to realize how far I have come. It’s hard to believe that I was in such a bad way that that was true. I also don’t feel radically better in some bright and shiny way, but I do feel better.

Feeling bad is more a regular part of my life, not something to be afraid of or something to protect myself from. My husband and I have had more arguments in the last six months than in the past because of this. I am more able to talk about when I am upset about something that he does. Because I am so much more attachable in my relationship with Andrea, I am also more attachable to him and of course within myself. I’m not worried about what will happen when I express my upset feelings. I have had experience after experience of good things emerging from my anger whether that be working out a way to get what I want or just closeness because I have told the truth about myself.

Looking back, I wasn’t holding anything back consciously before I got more comfortable with my bad feelings. It wasn’t like I was stewing inside. I just don’t think I knew what I felt. I think that’s true. I’d have to look back at some of my earlier writing to be sure that’s true. But this makes sense. It does keep explaining why I treasured feeling bad so much this past spring that I feared exercise would make me feel better!

So back to what I wrote last night. I still had to pay attention to myself and recognize that I was feeling pretty sucky and not berate myself for feeling off. But feeling bad was more a part of my regular life. I had had a great visit with some friends. I had enjoyed myself doing some shopping in the big city (although that was not as much fun as it used to be). And I could see that I felt bad about not being able to be with my visiting parents. That evening I remembered what I had come to know more clearly since the spring that nothing I did could push away the sad truth that I had to take care of myself first and that my parents do really upset me. So all I could do is know that this is true and be gentle and loving toward myself.

Walking this morning then was different. I was walking just because I knew I would enjoy it and feel good. I wanted to do something that felt good, but I didn’t have any expectations that feeling good would take my sadness away.

I actually felt a little nervous this morning leaving the house. I didn’t know how I would integrate the high feeling of walking into the rest of my day. Would I feel all good from walking and then feel disappointment when the high wore off? I left the house kind of perplexed by that, and I guess just decided to notice how things turned out. Then as I was writing the paragraph above I was reminded of how I used to feel a little manic after my walks in the spring. I would have this positive energy and then feel frustrated because I couldn’t sustain it. I couldn’t make this translate into other good things in my life. Same as I worried about today.

This was an issue for me in the spring because I hadn’t been able to flexibly move from feeling good to feeling bad. Today I was more able to simply recognize that I would feel really good from walking and that it would be okay however things turned out, whether I ended up spending the day watching TV or writing or if I ended up accomplishing amazing feats in the kitchen or around the house. It didn’t have to be one way.

This is a turning point realization for me. I’m going to add it to the new Turning Points page that I’ve started assembling.

Today has been a weird day. My parents were in town Sunday and Monday. I chose not to see them, and I have felt pulled between doing what’s right for me by not seeing them and of course wanting to see them because they are my family. I did not see them in the end, and it’s sad that this is the best thing for me right now.

I am so funny some times. At several points in the day I did my old thing of wondering why I wasn’t feeling all perky. It took having to consciously connect my feelings to what was happening today so that I could be loving toward myself and not berate myself for feeling poorly.

At times in the past I can remember Andrea saying something to me about how well I let myself be truthful with myself rather than trying to pretend that all was well. She commented about how much less energy it takes to be truthful than to pretend. I guess I got to the point today where I felt okay, even kind of good, about just feeling understandably rotten. The compassion for myself felt good.

I came across this group a while back called Therapy Junkies on tribe.net. The group had about eight members and seemed to be short-lived, but I love their tag line – “for anyone who’s found themselves in therapy and enjoying the process; to discuss the joys, frustrations, progress, transference issues, dreams, goals, etc.”

Wish the group was active and I could put them in the links section of this blog as a great current resource. Instead I’m posting about them here as a way to preserve their spirit. I love it.