Posts from — January 2009

I haven’t written here in a while but a bunch of stuff has been slowly happening as I lay low, do little, and spend a lot of time cozy in bed.

I’m back here writing because I want to capture a call I just had with Andrea.  I was feeling anxious, almost like I wanted to throw up.  In general I feel good and I was nervous because I was unsure if I really would be safe feeling this good.  

Andrea asked how old the part of me is that feels anxious.  She said she didn’t think it was my adult that felt anxious and I heartily agreed.  I decided it was about 3 or 4 year old me who felt anxious and still feels a bit anxious now.  

My 3 year old self shyly said something about my haircut.  I got my haircut and this made her feel nervous and different from my mom.  When I first said this to Andrea and even now as I retell the story, I feel really relieved to be talking about this, to get my feelings out in the open.  Andrea and I talked about how my mom had a fairly decent baseline care for herself but how she doesn’t really feel good about herself, can’t appreciate herself.  It felt really taboo to my 3 and 4 year old to be admiring her hair, pleased with her hair, and feeling great about who and how she is.  

After those last words I typed, I felt something relax within me some more.  She does feel really good.  

So Andrea and I talked about how it’s natural that this part of me needs some reassurance.  My three year old said that she would like to follow Andrea around, to stay close to her because she needs her right now as she gets used to this new feeling of feeling really good.  Of course, Andrea said that she would love to have my three year old present and to reassure her and be present for her.  I added that it felt like my three year old needs to be reminded of who she is, how she looks and feels as she is feeling good, to have this mirrored back to her so that she doesn’t forget, so she doesn’t have to hold all this newness by herself.

At one point Andrea also talked about how we might remind my young self of the basics, that she is separate from my parents, that she is no longer enmeshed with them.  Later Andrea added that my young self also doesn’t have to feel nervous about reaching out to her because it is out in the open that my mom failed me in a lot of key ways.  My mother has said that so my child doesn’t have to feel murderous when she chooses someone else (in the form of Andrea and my adult self) to depend upon and help her right now when she really needs it.

I was very glad Andrea said this as well.  I didn’t know how important this would be to my young self until she said it.  It does feel very awkward to shift this loyalty.  

Part of shifting that loyalty is that she is also choosing someone in Andrea who doesn’t exploit her when she feels bad.  My feeling bad as a child was a way that my mother seemed to feel better while in her own pain, like she had company.  Andrea assured me that she did not need me to feel bad.  While I could feel bad with her, she did not need me to feel bad for her.  She wanted to help me to feel better and loved and cared for and cherished.  I could be shy, scared, excited, feeling really good or feeling bad.  Regardless, she wanted to be with me and for me to know that I could be there with her, too, and have her help to feel good.

In the middle of her saying this, I felt a switch get flipped inside some part of me, maybe the adult me.  I could imagine and feel how if I had a child of my own right now that I would have wanted that child to meet in a place of feeling bad.  I could see how I would do to my child what I experienced from my mother, and in that second it felt like something changed within my adult self.  It’s dawning on me that this does not just have great implications for a child we might have in the future but that my three year old self can have a different relationship right now with my adult self.  

I am really proud of myself because I called Andrea and I did not wait until my appointment to get her help.  I knew that I needed her immediately.  That has been such a huge challenge.  I knew she wanted to help me.  I knew she didn’t want me to suffer.  I knew she would be delighted I had called.

We ended our call with me saying that if she went about her evening tonight and happened to hear the little patter of feet behind her that she would know that it was me.   She giggled and my child felt loved and delighted in.