Posts from — February 2009

So much has been happening that I haven’t even begun to capture here.  I hope one day I will tell the stories.

For now I will say that for the last week Andrea and I have been really talking with my parts and spending time with my infant, three year old, and today seven year old.  She has talked about how she would be with them.  How if she were their care givers how it would be.  

Today my seven year old self really wanted her assurance.  So Andrea talked about how delightful it is to know her, to give her attention.  If she were her caregiver it would be fun to watch her drawing a picture, for instance.  My young self got shy when she heard that.  She felt like wiggling with discomfort.  Indeed she wants Andrea’s attention.  She wants to be seen and admired and appreciated for what makes her her.  At the same time it feels a little different.  It’s different to be really aware that she has Andrea’s attention.  She knows she’s had it, but it’s a different thing entirely to be really conscious of having her attention AND saying that she wants it and wants more of it.  

My child is coming to understand that deserves attention.  She’s beginning to feel what it would feel like inside to know that, to have been raised knowing that.  Just imagining it myself, it is such a reassuring feeling.

I’m vaguely aware that in my relationship with my husband that I’ve started to feel more deserving of attention.  It sounds weird to me now that I would just now be opening my eyes to that, but I really had no previously ingrained sense that caring attention was mine to have.  I remember feeling like I had to perform to get attention.  It’s embarrassing to say but I used to think that if I did something well (made a nice meal or was perky or something) that I would have my husband’s attention.  I remember feeling this well into our relationship even though I was vaguely aware that this just wasn’t needed with him and that he loved me so much for me.  It was hard to get my head around that.

So it’s bizarre, kind of in the same way, to internalize even more after today’s session that Andrea really wants to give my young seven year old self lots of attention.  She’s wiggling a bit with discomfort but I suspect that over the next several days she’ll relax more into it.  I was going to say that I can imagine her tugging on Andrea to tell her – it’s okay, I can have attention now.  However, that’s not how it would work at all.  With Andrea as her caregiver, she would be receiving attention as part of her daily routine.  Andrea would be paying close attention to her needs and delighting in her.  It wouldn’t be up to my seven year old to be in charge of when she would have Andrea’s attention.  She would just have it.  Her infant and three year old self would have internalized that a long while ago.  

That will need to sink in for a few days.