Posts from — May 2009

I am beginning to be at the point in the healing process where I am working out some key identity issues.  There were a lot of habits I developed in order to survive.  I’m sorting out what I want to keep from those old habits because at the core of those habits there’s the real essence of who I am and what habits I want to discard because they aren’t at all who I am.

While I don’t have an example of the latter, I do have an example of a habit I want to keep – my organizing.

As a child I was a regular organizer.  One of my favorite things to do periodically was to clear out my closet, go through my stuff, move it around, and put it all back in my closet.  This continued into my older life.  Sometimes this practice of organizing kept me sane like when I was in an impossible financial situation with my first husband and I would meticulously enter bills into quicken to be able to see what we could pay and what we couldn’t pay.  The larger situation was so far beyond my control but at least I could organize.  A few years later, as my old ways of thinking about myself and handling life were really beginning to be unsustainable, I relished following the Getting Things Done model of life/work organization.  It was a balm for me.  Being a bit compulsive about it gave me a great deal of peace even while inside I was beginning finally (and thankfully) to fall apart and really allow myself to be helped.

So organizing was a coping mechanism.  I am sure it was reassuring to me to be able to claim and define my stuff in a life where I was very enmeshed with my mother and my family.  It was a way for me to be separate in a world where there were poor boundaries.  

Now it is increasingly obvious to me that I get to have boundaries and that I am separate even though I am still really working on letting this one sink in.

So I’ve kind of wondered if I would hold onto my organizing habit.  I’ve been asking – is it a habit or is it just my nature?  

The other day I got a bunch of new plants from a friend and I had the urge to start to label all the plants in my garden.  I felt like I was getting to the point where I might not be able to remember all the plant names.  I was also struggling a bit at that time, a hard heart about which I will write later.  That desire to organize felt like my instinct to control the feeling of overwhelm.  While that’s a sane response to getting so many plants, I was suspicious given the timing.  There was something just a little too comforting about the idea of losing myself in an exhaustive plant labeling project!!!  Oh, the feelings I wouldn’t have to deal with!  

So I guess I do have an example of when a habit of mine is too much.  

But yesterday I happened upon why I like and want to be organized.  A friend was coming over and I wanted to make her some kitchen goodies.  I found some containers which I keep in a special area of my pantry, put the seasonings in these containers and then it dawned on me that I’d like to make nice labels for the bottles.  So I quickly found my paper and other supplies and was able to choose, cut and glue the labels on in a flash.  It was then a cinch to put the supplies back in their place.  Then I thought about how fun it would be to make a fun gift bag.  I was also able to do that in a flash and put things away equally quickly.  

It was so delightful to be able to express myself and do all of this in a relaxed, enjoyable way.  It dawned on me that all these years the organizing was often more for the experience of organizing than for the living that could be possible as a result of being organized.  My life was often so tense and uncertain, such a feature of poor attachment, that I could hardly live.  I was just surviving so I never got to take advantage of all my great organizing work.  

So I decided that I would hold off on the plant labeling project.  It actually started to sound like a chore.  Instead I took photos of the plants that I don’t know, decided that a friend who will know their names will be over soon enough to help me out, and thought that I would wait until I got interested enough in the plants to learn their latin names (if that ever happens!).  In other words my memory and plant name learning process is good enough for now.  And, I guess what I’m really saying, is that it’s easier to deal with my emotional junk than to indulge in an exhaustive organizing project!!!  

It’s worthwhile noting, however, that I was in such emotional pain as I was considering that project that I had already bought a labeler and the plant tags.  While the tags where so cute that you could hardly blame me (!), I take this as a sign that I really preferred dissociation to dealing with my emotions.  I am glad that I’m at the point where I can watch my behavior or at least recognize it in hindsight.