“I Was A Big Girl”

I haven’t written for a while, but I’m jumping right back in with at least this post.  I’ve been more internally focused and writing directly to Andrea.  She’s away on vacation as she usually is this time of year.  It’s always tough on me and we try to prepare each year, some years better than others.  Sometimes I talk to her once while she’s gone for 3-4 weeks.  Last year I spoke to a colleague of hers in the interim.  It all depends.  This year we arranged it that I could call her on her cell phone with the understanding that it might be a couple of days before she gets the message.  So I called her this morning.  Delightfully, she was there to answer!

I always question whether I need to call outside of a regularly scheduled appointment.  Do I really need to talk to her?  (I’ve decided that if I am asking that question, I do!)  I used to try to figure out what I would say in advance.  I guess I want to be efficient, and it’s a way of managing the anxiety of calling when she’s in the middle of something else.  Today I tried to figure out what I was going to say but I remembered something we talked about a long time ago.  She talked about how when buying her house she wanted to talk to the agent.  Not because she really knew what she wanted to talk about but just because it was such a big deal that it felt good to reach out.  So I kind of remember that.

I called because there will be another week before we talk and I knew I could make it until next Tuesday but I didn’t want to just get by, conserving my energy.  I wanted to be able to keep going and I knew I needed her.  It would make a difference to talk and to not just be totally self-propelled.

So I called.  At first it was awkward because it’s outside of our scheduled time.  I could remember talking about that and so it made it easier to just be there with her.  I knew before calling and again while on the phone that that was all I wanted – to just be with her and have her be with me.  It has taken so long to be able to get to this point.

And so I talked about stuff, just kind of rambling.  And then I relaxed and I got excited.  And I could tell she was enjoying me.  I could tell she was glad to be there for me.  I could tell her I have been sick and how hard it was to motivate my husband to do something but how I could still love him so much.  I could tell her how much I understand myself and my family dynamics even more.  I could tell her that I made it through Christmas.  I could tell her how much I’ve missed her.

Then out of the blue, from deep within me, I said, “I was a big girl.”  My heart opens up typing that now.  After saying this, I immediately said, “Yeah, I called to tell you that.”

Her absence is really tough on me.  In the past I have handled it in the same way I handled stuff in my family by acting really, really competent and grown up before my time.  Way before my time.  Past years I couldn’t have said to myself or to her, “I miss you.”  I would tell her how I handled stuff and kept it together, but I couldn’t say that I missed her.  There was probably anger and so many other feelings that were underneath her absence that it was just too hard to do anything but have a forced gracefulness and self-sufficiency.

Somehow this year I’ve gotten far enough along that it could be different.  The soft, vulnerable parts of me could speak up and say out loud, “I’ve been a big girl.”  The soft, vulnerable parts could get through the awkward stage of the first few minutes of an out of session phone call and remember that she would be so glad to be with me and welcome the chance for me to be with me.

The tears keep streaming down my face.  I have come so far.

And I love that I knew I could make it on my own for the next week but that that was just silly.  I knew it was a lot to do on my own and that it would be better to acknowledge to myself that I was needy and that she could make things so much easier for me just by talking.

I wonder what the rest of my week will hold.  I had thought that I would be all energized after this.  I will be but just not right away.  I’m a little stunned by how soft and gentle I feel inside myself right now.  I need some time to get used to this.