More Existential Anxiety

It kind of sucks when you know yourself so well.  Or at least when you catch yourself not knowing yourself so well.  Well, maybe it’s not so bad.

There’s a great quote by Alice Miller that I have on rotation in the side bar of this blog.  She says:

“In the majority of cases, it is a great relief to a patient to see that she can now recognize and take seriously the things she used to choke off, even if the old patterns come back, again and again, over a long period. But now she begins to understand that this strategy was her only chance to survive. Now she can realize how she still sometimes tries to persuade herself, when she is scared, that she is not; how she belittles her feelings to protect herself, and either does not become aware of them at all, or does so only several days after they have already passed.”

The part that resonates today is the part about, “Now she can realize how she still sometimes tries to persuade herself, when she is scared, that she is not; how she belittles her feellings to protect herself, and either does not become aware of them at all, or does so only several days after they have already passed.”

A few minutes ago my husband was inspired to go out for a walk.  Last weekend I would have eagerly have joined him and the fact that I had no interest in walking and especially walking with him, had me check in with myself.  I realized that I felt too pre-occupied to join him.  What has felt so glorious these last couple of weeks as much of my hard work has come together and felt like it was real, is the feeling of not being pre-occupied.  But today I am pre-occupied.

It’s not that I think being pre-occupied is necessarily bad.  In fact, I have some good reasons to be pre-occupied.  Besides the anxiety I am working out in my relationship with Andrea, there is a far greater event in my life.  I spoke with my grandmother this week and learned that she is coming to see that my grandfather may pass away soon.

That’s a big deal.  That’s pre-occupation worthy.  I don’t even know what to feel about all of that.  That’s okay, too.  Sometimes we can’t know what to feel.  But I am destabilized.  I feel existentially anxious.  In the last year I’ve come to recognize that I used to live every day of my life as existentially anxious.  I don’t know how the heck I did it.  Thank God that started to unravel.  Now that I know what it is, it’s almost intolerable.  I am so glad I recognize that life doesn’t have to be like this.

And I want Andrea!…Well, saying that sure made a difference.  I remember times when that would not have begun to be enough to help me feel better.  I took a minute to remember that the young parts of me can imagine cuddling up to Andrea, feel her wanting to help me with the big emotions that have no words, and just be with me.  She can help hold those emotions.

Even though I have come so far in the last few weeks, doesn’t mean I have to now suddenly be alone or be all brave and adult and not turn back.  I also get to still be needy.  I still get to be human.  I can be that little girl who was a big girl but still needs to return home to feel recharged and nurtured again before taking another big step out in the big, wide world.