The Limbo After a Growth Spurt

Well after such a great trip where I learned so much about myself, today was a little tricky.  I couldn’t take any new information in and I didn’t feel able to create anything either (like clean clothes, muffins or the like).  I couldn’t just sit either.  I needed to move and so I was grateful to be able to run an errand and drive for a while.  It felt like my thoughts needed a chance to gel and settle within me.

I even paged Andrea because I needed help.  I’m getting good with this paging thing and the uncertainty of what she has time for.  She said that she just had a few minutes between meetings and I was able to work out what that meant I had 4 minutes and so I went for it.  I got something out of it.

She said something to me in our four minute conversation about how so much more was organized within me.  She hasn’t used that word – organized – for a while and it felt so right.  I have a self that is so much more organized and not just a huge pile of things inside competing for attention and especially my anxious attention.

I knew I needed her today to hold all of the stuff happening to me.  It felt really nice that she did hold it with me.  I asked her, it’s okay that I’m so much more organized but then I get to the end and I just can’t handle it all, right?  Of course, she said yes.

In the middle of so much internal change I often complain that I just don’t have my head about me.  My brain sometimes feels like it’s off somewhere inaccessible to me.  Well, I don’t have my head back quite yet, but I hope some sleep and some nice time at home with my husband will mend that.  I remember when this wasn’t enough, that it was in fact terrifying to be this in limbo.  But today it feels okay.

It would feel so grounding if I could start a load of laundry or do some dishes, some routine chore that would stimulate oxytocin.  Maybe I’ll get lucky and that will be possible.