Letting Myself Feel How Much I Am Cared For

I talked with Andrea again last night for our regular session.  I’ve been worried going back to work that things would feel between us like before, that I would be “all business”.   What I mean by that is that I would be in a mindset where I would miss her emotionally.  When we first got on the phone, I could really tell how much she cares for me.  I did notice that there was this familiar inability to let that sink in.  What was different was that I was profoundly aware that I was missing out on her.   That was nice.  All I can do is trust that this will keep changing.

Things have been changing at home in terms of my attachability with my husband so I expect that soon enough I will feel it more with her, too.  It’s funny how I grow with these two.  Some times I can grow more with her and some times I can grow more with him.  Another good reason to not depend exclusively on a husband.  I also feel so grateful that I can grow in my relationship with my husband.  Anyway, I’ve noticed myself feeling more settled with my husband, more able to “find” him, know that he is there, know that there is a familiar road back to him.  This describes what I am seeking more of with Andrea.  Of course, I couldn’t get as far as I have without being able to “find” her, but I want to find her more.

Hmm.  It is kind of helpful to think of this through the metaphor of a road or path.  In the past it was kind of like I was dropped off in the middle of a clearing at the beginning of each session and I spent a lot of time looking for her.  She was there, but it was more like we were both in this wilderness area by ourselves but talking to one another by shouting, are you there?  That was probably on a good day.  Days when we were checking in.  I remember those days when she would want to engage me further, when she would be seeking to engage me by noting that it felt like I was doing therapy by myself and I couldn’t believe we weren’t.  I think I was just glad I knew she was going to be in the clearing with me, even if we were off by ourselves in completely different parts of the area.  That was enough for me.

But it’s not enough now.  I’ve been noticing this at home.  Sometimes on the weekend I want to enjoy my husband more and I get kind of cranky if I am thinking I will go off and do my own thing.  I don’t want to.  I do want to do whatever I was planning to do, but there have been times when I don’t want to do it by myself but I don’t even know or recognize that this is true for quite some time.  I have to get angry and perturbed and spend some time getting to the bottom of those feelings before I know that I just want to be with my husband going about daily life together.  Interesting.

There are pathways in my heart that I am getting used to traveling with my husband and even bits of my life that I do by myself but that I know my husband is with me.  I have been marveling about how neat it is that I go to work, this new environment, but that I get to go home to a place where people know me.  When I say “people”, I must mean my husband and Andrea.  It didn’t used to feel that way.  I was by myself.  I seemed happy by myself lots of time, but that was just because I didn’t know any different, but as I got older, happy by myself got to be very difficult to sustain.

So I think what happens more with Andrea right now is that I know how to find my way to the clearing.  The path there is worn.  I know how to find her in the clearing.  The paths we take together are more worn and clear.  What I hope will be different is how I feel when I find her, how I feel before I get to the clearing, and how I feel as we are walking those paths.  I think of those times when I take a hike and in my head I am all about the exercise but I haven’t stopped and let myself be with the beauty around me.  I haven’t settled in.  I want to keep settling in with her.  I want to relax more with her.  I want to fully take in how much she cares about me.

That’s just not possible right now.  But writing about all of this is a good sign that one day it will happen.