Meltdowns Can Feel So Good

Last night I came home from work exhausted.  I had learned a lot in my new job.  We are at the busiest time of year so I had a weird mix of learning my job and doing a lot at a critical time.  Also a coworker was sick this week and I could tell I was close to getting sick.  Allergies are high.  Psychologically I am growing exponentially.  And I was really glad to be home with my husband – looking forward to experiencing myself with him anew given all I am learning.  This combination lead me to a big huge meltdown and it felt good.

I paged Andrea because this was so huge that I knew I needed help.  As I often do, I had no idea how to get her help or have her help.  I was telling her things and then I stopped and said I’m so tired I just can’t tell you about all of this.  Then she said – ah, yes, you need rest, you need sleep.  That freaked me out.  I didn’t want her to leave me alone to sleep.  Of course I said something about that.  In hindsight I doubt she was going to hang up at that moment, but it’s in those moments that I feel anxiety that I will be left alone to cope.

At one point I want to tell her about being so glad to spend the weekend with my husband especially because something is different within me.  I start to get the words out and I begin to cry uncontrollably.  I tell her something like – this is good stuff I want to tell you even though it doesn’t sound like it.  She understands and I lose it for several minutes.

After the sobbing subsides she says something that made so much sense.  She said – sometimes it can feel so good for the crying to match the level of feeling we have inside.  Oh yes.  I really, really needed everything inside of me to have some form outside of myself.