Category — Adolescent

So today I’ve had my shower.  I’m up and about.  My body is not shut down.  I’ve been able to think about the future, feel close to my dear husband.  I’m just tired.  We’re going to a friend’s house for dinner tonight, and instead of suggesting something that would require me to go to the supermarket and make something, I am bringing something I can pull together from what I have at home.  I have that much energy.  And, I’m kind of pleased with myself that I recognize my limits.  Even a year ago I would have expected that I could do anything and beat myself up for not pushing myself to bring the dishes that would have involved more effort that I thought of.  It’s feels really good to know my limitations for today.  To accept them.  I can do this partially because I know that my limitations are not set in stone.  They will change or lift or not.  I feel capable of working with them and I know that the self I am able to bring is enough.

I had a great experience yesterday.  A friend came over to make wreaths.  Originally, she was going to come at 2pm.  But it worked out better for her to come earlier and that worked for me.  I found out that morning.  So I didn’t have a chance to plan ahead in my brain and be ready for her at 10.  I was on track to be ready for her at 2.  It’s great it worked out this way because I’d only been dressed for a bit before she arrived.  I hadn’t eaten.  Given where I’ve been emotionally, I didn’t have enough time to get myself “together”.  This was a chance for me to be with her just as I was.  I also turned out to be weepy all day yesterday.  While it’s not unusual to be weepy with friends, there was something a little different.  In general I was just kind of hazy.  It felt so good to have her with me, in my life, in my house when I was so fuzzy.  I felt safe enough.  And I had a great time.

Yes, because it was both that I was hazy and I needed the companionship while I was hazy.  That’s been a really hard thing for me to have.  I’ve had a lot of friends who I am close with but who live a distance from me.  So it hasn’t even been geographically possible for a long while to have friends be with me in my space when I am hazy.  But geographics aside, it’s still new for me.  

In sum what I am saying is that yesterday I let my guard down and it felt good.  Again, this is because my attachment relationship with Andrea and my husband are strong.  I KNOW for myself that I am enough.  I’ve gotten that through my relationship with them.  And so I am attachable with other people, too.

I’m sure there’s a particular adolescent component to all of this.  I’m not sure what it is exactly.  Well, I have some ideas but I’m going to let them simmer for a bit.

I just had the weirdest feeling.  Well, I’ve actually been having it for two weeks or so.  It’s this awareness that I am not alone.  My husband is with me.  This feeling really felt strong because my husband joined Facebook.  This made it really clear to me that we have one another and we have our friends.  I’ve just kind of had my friends but I never counted on having a feeling at home that I wasn’t alone.  I just have always assumed that I am.  That’s been what I’ve felt in my heart and in my head.  That’s really changing.

Of course, this is really amazing for my adolescent.

So today talking to Andrea I was nervous and uncomfortable.  And guess who plopped himself on my belly from the get go?  Yep, my cat.  

He stayed with me for quite a while, wandered away, and then came back.  

I was telling my husband about how things were today and in the middle of it, as always, he says something about the cat.  This always annoys me.  Even now.  But it’s just one of those things that happens.  We’ve gotten to be quite light hearted about it.  Today my husband, before I mentioned anything about what happened during my call with Andrea between my cat and I, said that an image of this cat often appears in his head while I am talking to him.  It happens regularly.  

Interestingly, at one point Andrea was checking in with me about how connected I might feel to her.  We’re working on my adolescent being able to be mad and angry at her without having to feel alone.  My adult self kind of spoke on her behalf, genuinely representing her, saying that she wanted to be connected to her and that she didn’t want to be alone.  But, my adolescent directly and defiantly said to Andrea that she wanted her to know that my cat was with her.  I told her then about how he’d been with me from the beginning of the call.  

We talked about this and I don’t remember exactly what was said, something about the protection that my cat offers.  I think Andrea said something about how I do have people and cats supporting me and yet she also hoped to be able to be able to really be with me when I face moments of anger.  She hoped she could play the special role that she as therapist can play.  My adolescent kind of wants to say – yeah, yeah, yeah – as I recount this.  But she also feels to my adult self really relieved that Andrea made sure to inject herself here.  

Regardless, I am glad that my cat sees how much I need him at this point.  I’m glad that he’s in tune with the part of me that is so hard to reach right now.  The part of me that in some ways just doesn’t want to be reached but oh so desperately wants to be reached.