Category — Attachment Theory

So today I’ve had my shower.  I’m up and about.  My body is not shut down.  I’ve been able to think about the future, feel close to my dear husband.  I’m just tired.  We’re going to a friend’s house for dinner tonight, and instead of suggesting something that would require me to go to the supermarket and make something, I am bringing something I can pull together from what I have at home.  I have that much energy.  And, I’m kind of pleased with myself that I recognize my limits.  Even a year ago I would have expected that I could do anything and beat myself up for not pushing myself to bring the dishes that would have involved more effort that I thought of.  It’s feels really good to know my limitations for today.  To accept them.  I can do this partially because I know that my limitations are not set in stone.  They will change or lift or not.  I feel capable of working with them and I know that the self I am able to bring is enough.

I had a great experience yesterday.  A friend came over to make wreaths.  Originally, she was going to come at 2pm.  But it worked out better for her to come earlier and that worked for me.  I found out that morning.  So I didn’t have a chance to plan ahead in my brain and be ready for her at 10.  I was on track to be ready for her at 2.  It’s great it worked out this way because I’d only been dressed for a bit before she arrived.  I hadn’t eaten.  Given where I’ve been emotionally, I didn’t have enough time to get myself “together”.  This was a chance for me to be with her just as I was.  I also turned out to be weepy all day yesterday.  While it’s not unusual to be weepy with friends, there was something a little different.  In general I was just kind of hazy.  It felt so good to have her with me, in my life, in my house when I was so fuzzy.  I felt safe enough.  And I had a great time.

Yes, because it was both that I was hazy and I needed the companionship while I was hazy.  That’s been a really hard thing for me to have.  I’ve had a lot of friends who I am close with but who live a distance from me.  So it hasn’t even been geographically possible for a long while to have friends be with me in my space when I am hazy.  But geographics aside, it’s still new for me.  

In sum what I am saying is that yesterday I let my guard down and it felt good.  Again, this is because my attachment relationship with Andrea and my husband are strong.  I KNOW for myself that I am enough.  I’ve gotten that through my relationship with them.  And so I am attachable with other people, too.

I’m sure there’s a particular adolescent component to all of this.  I’m not sure what it is exactly.  Well, I have some ideas but I’m going to let them simmer for a bit.

This is one of those posts that disappeared half way through so let me see if I can regain my enthusiasm after this loss. I was saying something really important about not caring so much about my parents and what this means for my differentiation.

Oh, and Andrea really latched onto this, saying that this is so useful to me because I am getting them out of my head more.

I always feel a little self-conscious when thinking about this because I want myself and others to know that it wasn’t like I was going around before worrying about what my parents were thinking. No, it was way more unconscious than that! It is kind of embarrassing to be in your mid-thirties and to be writing a blog that centers around your relationship with your parents. Even now I can’t help but have my demons say – just get over it – but I also know that that’s part of the problem. I can’t just get over it by pushing things aside. I have had to get down and dirty with how I’ve felt about my relationship so I could move to another place.

Okay, well enough of the defensive diversion!! It was really amazing for me when Andrea latched onto the idea that I didn’t care about my parents so much because it helped to hear what I was saying in a new way. I was saying that what they think about me doesn’t matter as much. I was saying that considering their needs first simply wasn’t necessary. They can take care of themselves. We can be different people. I don’t have to act on every sense I have of what their needs are. Gosh, this is so hard for me, but I did it this weekend.

Andrea then kept talking about differentiation and how it is so normal and wonderful for adolescents to not be having their world centered on their parents. How it is natural for them to put themselves and their needs first because that’s the only way that they can begin to be separate individuals who can thrive in the world.

This is still sinking in. It is still so radical of an idea. I am supposed to put my needs and feelings first.

So I was talking with Andrea today. Had a great session. A highlight was talking about how much easier it was to deal with my sick cat this year than it was last year when the other one got sick. What was great about it was that I’m actually at the point where I can feel little emotions without going stoic or dissociating or be unable to act for fear of being overcome by emotions.

We’ve been playing with different ways I can imagine physically connecting with Andrea when I feel emotions, good ones or bad ones. Today out of the blue I imagined running toward Andrea as if I were a child and grabbing her legs and bringing her toward me. Then I could picture her picking me up and holding me or taking me some place where we could sit down together. Then I could imagine her reassuring me with her words and that feeling really good inside.

This was all wonderful. This image and feeling of her support will stay with me, probably forever.

But I also got really angry which is starting to happen, thank goodness. I got really angry that I am a grown woman, intelligent, sharp, capable, creative, interesting and here I am spending my Friday afternoon celebrating that I can take my cat to the vet with ease. I mean what the heck. My life has been reduced to such small moments and HAVING to pay attention to the small details of my emotional life so that I can eventually live in freedom and not lose my mind. Why? Because I was not allowed an emotional life of my own. Because try as I might to make it in the world, all my efforts were not enough. I lacked a basic sense of safety that I could not overcome on my own and remain sane.

Besides actually feeling angry there’s also something new here. I am not and did not turn this anger inward on myself, using the situation to affirm the old messages of how bad I was. I was angry at external forces. It feels good.