Category — Being Attachable

So I am feeling so much better.  Things look differently to me as I go about my everyday life.  I’m still suspicious of myself sometimes.

I have been working on this home inventory project for insurance purposes that I have wanted to complete for two and a half years.  A while back I’d had some false starts using different software than I am now, but recently I got all the kinks worked out, found the software I wanted to use, even recovered from losing some data I entered, and now I am really on the path to finishing this huge, massive project.

I’ve become driven to complete it.  Each night I have my lists of what to do the next day so I can easily find my place and keep working.  It’s Saturday today and I was bright eyed and bushy tailed to get up and keep working.  I probably have another 3 or 4 days of work.

Along the way I’ve asked myself – why oh why do you care so much about this when there is so much work involved.  Why am I so driven?  The best conclusion I’ve come to is that I just like having stuff like a home inventory done.  I like finishing things that take massive effort like the patio set, like the 14 or so scrapbooks I’ve finished.

I have learned to be suspicious of manic-ness.  So of course I’ve wondered if this is manic-ness or just that I am driven.

I am excited.  I can see the end in sight.  When I was manic and felt excited, the excitement felt like a nervous excitement, jangley.  I am not nervous excited.  I do feel good deep down inside.  I feel that when I breathe.  I kind of wonder if I am excited because I have the chance to apply myself to doing something tangibly productive.  I haven’t had much of that this year.  As I sit here and think about this, I have a kind of relaxed, resigned feeling about my self-examination.  I’m not itching to get myself to stop or get on with it so I can work on my project.

Last night I wanted to keep working, too, but I also held off because I was tired.  I figured I would get more done if I stopped and began again in the morning.  I was kind of reminded of my other detailed, organizational projects I’ve done over the years like tagging my photos with keywords.  There’s this funny appeal for me to projects that are boring, massive and detail oriented like this.

What was nice about last night was that my husband had come home from work and we were sitting together in the living room watching TV and working on our respective laptops.  I had been in my own world.  He was in his.  Eventually, we really came together.  As the evening wore on, I was chatting up a storm.  In the old days when I was manic, I wouldn’t have been available for casual chatting.  I would have been super focused on what I was doing, even when I had down time.

Last night I was aware that I felt like I was on the fringe of that possibility of having an open heart and be able to relax away from my project.  By on the fringe I mean that I had stopped my intense work on the project because I knew that was good for me but I still didn’t know how to exactly let my drive go.  It was like I was shy with myself and with my life.  It’s an odd question but it was like I was wondering – did my life want me in my non-driven state, was I welcome after having been so driven?  Could I switch from being really on to not wanting to be on and find a new groove?

Yeah, that’s it.

I’ve been thinking about the source of my drive which I imagine to be working in my parents’ printing business where there would be large, massive projects that would have to be finished by a deadline.  Often boring the only way to complete them was to work steadily, measure your progress, and take advantage of the good feelings of momentum toward completion.  I would have been lauded for being a good worker but I wouldn’t have been lauded for being me in all of my other ways of being.  In our daily life you relaxed when you finished your work.  The worked loomed in your head until it could be completed.  My family couldn’t relax in between.

So it makes so much sense to me that I would have metaphorically been standing on the edge of relaxation, hoping to be invited to join the party and not being completely sure what parties like this were like.  But I did stand there.  Hoping.  And I did find an immense amount of delight chit chatting with my husband.  We both felt so open hearted and close to one another.

I’m not so sure about this drive thing and it’s future place in my life.  I’m still a little suspicious of it.  That served me well yesterday because it had me consciously stop.  I certainly don’t feel the old nervous excitement of my manic days, but I also don’t completely trust myself either.

The antidote to lack of trust always has its source in my attachment to Andrea.  I guess what that means right now is remembering and feeling how she wants to be with me, discovering who I am, and just being.  I am safe with her even when I am angry with her.

I hope for today that I can be flexible with my drive.  Looser.  Not so rigid.  Yet still disciplined enough that I can finish this project and move on to some of the more fun things I want to accomplish.  It’s odd but what makes the difference is if I approach this project with a “hard heart” or a softer heart.

So today I’ve had my shower.  I’m up and about.  My body is not shut down.  I’ve been able to think about the future, feel close to my dear husband.  I’m just tired.  We’re going to a friend’s house for dinner tonight, and instead of suggesting something that would require me to go to the supermarket and make something, I am bringing something I can pull together from what I have at home.  I have that much energy.  And, I’m kind of pleased with myself that I recognize my limits.  Even a year ago I would have expected that I could do anything and beat myself up for not pushing myself to bring the dishes that would have involved more effort that I thought of.  It’s feels really good to know my limitations for today.  To accept them.  I can do this partially because I know that my limitations are not set in stone.  They will change or lift or not.  I feel capable of working with them and I know that the self I am able to bring is enough.

I had a great experience yesterday.  A friend came over to make wreaths.  Originally, she was going to come at 2pm.  But it worked out better for her to come earlier and that worked for me.  I found out that morning.  So I didn’t have a chance to plan ahead in my brain and be ready for her at 10.  I was on track to be ready for her at 2.  It’s great it worked out this way because I’d only been dressed for a bit before she arrived.  I hadn’t eaten.  Given where I’ve been emotionally, I didn’t have enough time to get myself “together”.  This was a chance for me to be with her just as I was.  I also turned out to be weepy all day yesterday.  While it’s not unusual to be weepy with friends, there was something a little different.  In general I was just kind of hazy.  It felt so good to have her with me, in my life, in my house when I was so fuzzy.  I felt safe enough.  And I had a great time.

Yes, because it was both that I was hazy and I needed the companionship while I was hazy.  That’s been a really hard thing for me to have.  I’ve had a lot of friends who I am close with but who live a distance from me.  So it hasn’t even been geographically possible for a long while to have friends be with me in my space when I am hazy.  But geographics aside, it’s still new for me.  

In sum what I am saying is that yesterday I let my guard down and it felt good.  Again, this is because my attachment relationship with Andrea and my husband are strong.  I KNOW for myself that I am enough.  I’ve gotten that through my relationship with them.  And so I am attachable with other people, too.

I’m sure there’s a particular adolescent component to all of this.  I’m not sure what it is exactly.  Well, I have some ideas but I’m going to let them simmer for a bit.

This is one of those posts that disappeared half way through so let me see if I can regain my enthusiasm after this loss. I was saying something really important about not caring so much about my parents and what this means for my differentiation.

Oh, and Andrea really latched onto this, saying that this is so useful to me because I am getting them out of my head more.

I always feel a little self-conscious when thinking about this because I want myself and others to know that it wasn’t like I was going around before worrying about what my parents were thinking. No, it was way more unconscious than that! It is kind of embarrassing to be in your mid-thirties and to be writing a blog that centers around your relationship with your parents. Even now I can’t help but have my demons say – just get over it – but I also know that that’s part of the problem. I can’t just get over it by pushing things aside. I have had to get down and dirty with how I’ve felt about my relationship so I could move to another place.

Okay, well enough of the defensive diversion!! It was really amazing for me when Andrea latched onto the idea that I didn’t care about my parents so much because it helped to hear what I was saying in a new way. I was saying that what they think about me doesn’t matter as much. I was saying that considering their needs first simply wasn’t necessary. They can take care of themselves. We can be different people. I don’t have to act on every sense I have of what their needs are. Gosh, this is so hard for me, but I did it this weekend.

Andrea then kept talking about differentiation and how it is so normal and wonderful for adolescents to not be having their world centered on their parents. How it is natural for them to put themselves and their needs first because that’s the only way that they can begin to be separate individuals who can thrive in the world.

This is still sinking in. It is still so radical of an idea. I am supposed to put my needs and feelings first.

I started walking with my neighbor again this morning. At one point during the winter and into spring a bit we walked about 5 times a week around our neighborhood which came to about 15 miles a week. It was really incredible. Then I got to a point where I just felt rotten. I was grieving so much that even just walking around our yard was too much and too hard to do. I would have good bursts of energy and so I would work in the yard on those good days, but then I lost energy completely for either walking or gardening.

Three weeks ago I started to feel more like myself again and so I decided I would walk again once my neighbor got back from her trip. So we began walking again today.

As I was walking on the last stretch by myself back up the hill to my house, I remembered how I felt when I had stopped walking with my neighbor. I was really clear that I felt bad, and I didn’t want to feel better by walking.

There are so many important things tied up in that statement.

First, months ago saying this was really significant. I was saying that feeling bad was useful to me and not something that I wanted to try to push away, not something that I wanted to get out of feeling as had been true for so long. I was afraid that I would feel better after walking and that I would miss important emotions that I had been unable to get my arms around for years. I had enough good experience of being real with myself that I wanted more of it, even if it meant temporarily feeling bad.

Second, I realize that where I am now is different. I no longer need to feel bad in the way I did then. In fact it is a little shocking to realize how far I have come. It’s hard to believe that I was in such a bad way that that was true. I also don’t feel radically better in some bright and shiny way, but I do feel better.

Feeling bad is more a regular part of my life, not something to be afraid of or something to protect myself from. My husband and I have had more arguments in the last six months than in the past because of this. I am more able to talk about when I am upset about something that he does. Because I am so much more attachable in my relationship with Andrea, I am also more attachable to him and of course within myself. I’m not worried about what will happen when I express my upset feelings. I have had experience after experience of good things emerging from my anger whether that be working out a way to get what I want or just closeness because I have told the truth about myself.

Looking back, I wasn’t holding anything back consciously before I got more comfortable with my bad feelings. It wasn’t like I was stewing inside. I just don’t think I knew what I felt. I think that’s true. I’d have to look back at some of my earlier writing to be sure that’s true. But this makes sense. It does keep explaining why I treasured feeling bad so much this past spring that I feared exercise would make me feel better!

So back to what I wrote last night. I still had to pay attention to myself and recognize that I was feeling pretty sucky and not berate myself for feeling off. But feeling bad was more a part of my regular life. I had had a great visit with some friends. I had enjoyed myself doing some shopping in the big city (although that was not as much fun as it used to be). And I could see that I felt bad about not being able to be with my visiting parents. That evening I remembered what I had come to know more clearly since the spring that nothing I did could push away the sad truth that I had to take care of myself first and that my parents do really upset me. So all I could do is know that this is true and be gentle and loving toward myself.

Walking this morning then was different. I was walking just because I knew I would enjoy it and feel good. I wanted to do something that felt good, but I didn’t have any expectations that feeling good would take my sadness away.

I actually felt a little nervous this morning leaving the house. I didn’t know how I would integrate the high feeling of walking into the rest of my day. Would I feel all good from walking and then feel disappointment when the high wore off? I left the house kind of perplexed by that, and I guess just decided to notice how things turned out. Then as I was writing the paragraph above I was reminded of how I used to feel a little manic after my walks in the spring. I would have this positive energy and then feel frustrated because I couldn’t sustain it. I couldn’t make this translate into other good things in my life. Same as I worried about today.

This was an issue for me in the spring because I hadn’t been able to flexibly move from feeling good to feeling bad. Today I was more able to simply recognize that I would feel really good from walking and that it would be okay however things turned out, whether I ended up spending the day watching TV or writing or if I ended up accomplishing amazing feats in the kitchen or around the house. It didn’t have to be one way.

This is a turning point realization for me. I’m going to add it to the new Turning Points page that I’ve started assembling.