Category — In the Past

I just had the weirdest feeling.  Well, I’ve actually been having it for two weeks or so.  It’s this awareness that I am not alone.  My husband is with me.  This feeling really felt strong because my husband joined Facebook.  This made it really clear to me that we have one another and we have our friends.  I’ve just kind of had my friends but I never counted on having a feeling at home that I wasn’t alone.  I just have always assumed that I am.  That’s been what I’ve felt in my heart and in my head.  That’s really changing.

Of course, this is really amazing for my adolescent.

So I was talking with Andrea today. Had a great session. A highlight was talking about how much easier it was to deal with my sick cat this year than it was last year when the other one got sick. What was great about it was that I’m actually at the point where I can feel little emotions without going stoic or dissociating or be unable to act for fear of being overcome by emotions.

We’ve been playing with different ways I can imagine physically connecting with Andrea when I feel emotions, good ones or bad ones. Today out of the blue I imagined running toward Andrea as if I were a child and grabbing her legs and bringing her toward me. Then I could picture her picking me up and holding me or taking me some place where we could sit down together. Then I could imagine her reassuring me with her words and that feeling really good inside.

This was all wonderful. This image and feeling of her support will stay with me, probably forever.

But I also got really angry which is starting to happen, thank goodness. I got really angry that I am a grown woman, intelligent, sharp, capable, creative, interesting and here I am spending my Friday afternoon celebrating that I can take my cat to the vet with ease. I mean what the heck. My life has been reduced to such small moments and HAVING to pay attention to the small details of my emotional life so that I can eventually live in freedom and not lose my mind. Why? Because I was not allowed an emotional life of my own. Because try as I might to make it in the world, all my efforts were not enough. I lacked a basic sense of safety that I could not overcome on my own and remain sane.

Besides actually feeling angry there’s also something new here. I am not and did not turn this anger inward on myself, using the situation to affirm the old messages of how bad I was. I was angry at external forces. It feels good.

Today I am sick with a head cold, sore throat and mild cough.  It’s reminding me of days past when being sick was even more miserable than it had to be because I was terrified of the impact that my illness would have on my performance in the world.

In those days the only barometer I had of my sense of self-worth was based on how well I succeeded out in the world.  So when I got sick it was terrifying.  Everything about who I was felt like it was on the line. I had no enduring sense of myself that could transcend being sick.  

It was four years into therapy before I recognized this feeling. I was in my car talking with my therapist on my cell phone.  I was parked in a corner lot across from a gas station just blocks from my twenty story office building.  It was after 9 am.  I had gotten myself to work despite having a cold, but I’d headed home because my brain was not functioning.

I’d called my therapist in a panic.  I was so scared because I wouldn’t be there to do my job and I thought everything would crash down on me.  I was also feeling edgy and uncomfortable just at the thought of being sick.  It was untenable.  I had no place to go inside of me to feel comfort, and of course my failure to perform was also adding to the weight of the situation.

Andrea calmed me down and this was the first time that we started to talk about this feeling. The first three years of our relationship were filled with conversations about my failing marriage.  Most of the fourth year we were talking about the fall out from my divorce.  This was a rare moment when we had the luxury to focus exclusively on me without distraction.

After I spoke to her, I still felt miserable.  However, as I am writing this post, I can see that it was a key moment when I let Andrea really help me and reassure me.    I did feel better because she was there, because she still had respect for me even though I felt so useless, so unable to get any sense of esteem because I felt so broken.

This experience happened about six years ago.  It would be many more years before I could understand and access Andrea’s respect, love and guidance for me on a regular basis.   I’d like to think of myself as being a smart cookie, but when it came to this kind of stuff it took me a very long time to grasp that I did not have to live alone. I am still learning this.

So it’s remarkable to me that today I can be sick, allow myself to relax, and feel what I am feeling.  I used to be consumed with the fear that I’d never feel better. I couldn’t soothe myself through the healing process and remember that I could be well again. Now I can be with myself in the discomfort and know that one day I will be well.  This sickness does not define who I am entirely as a person.  And I can even enjoy the luxury of being angry that I can’t do what I would like to do because there’s no anxiety attached to the frustration.